Shanon’s Blog

What can I say. I love the LSU beanie that my dog has started eating. And the hoodie. I know. I know. I know. Regardless of my homeless look, here’s me losing it while doing the lotion testimonial.

 http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=29304179

Maybe I gave last night’s wine tasting party way too much thought. It was a ton of fun and I fit in just fine with the other girls there. I was going to wear one of my evening gowns because it’s better to be overdressed than underdressed, but I laid down on my bed for a quick nap and apparently slept thru my phone alarm. The party started at 7PM. I woke up at 7:11PM. Kinsey and J-Si live about 20-25 minutes away. So I got there about 45 minutes late. In effort to not be 50 minutes late, I just threw on a hoodie and LSU skull cap. (Geaux Tigers!) I admit I looked like I had been playing a softball game or something, but I hadn’t. I just wasn’t too worried about it and I was too groggy to really care, so I went with it.

I got there and peeked my head thru the door and they were in the beginnings of a wine tasting thing. I’ll be honest. I didn’t know what the party was for initially. I assumed it was Tupperware or something, but it was a lotion party. I like lotion. So it was all good. And I have nice things to say about lotion because I’m a nice person. So I stood in line to do the lotion trying testimonial on video. How hard could it be…talkin about lotion and stuff? The first question that the mean, not nice camera guy asked was my name, age, and occupation. Now I had drank 4 SIPS of wine at that point. Not glasses or even half glasses. SIPS. But apparently 4 SIPS of wine was enough to make me tipsy. I couldn’t even say my name without laughing hysterically. There’s not real;ly anything funny about the name Shanon Kay Murphy. Or the fact that I’m 26 years old. Or the fact that I’m a morning show producer. But after 4 small little SIPS of wine they were all hysterical. Long story short the camera guy took the mic off my shirt and told me to get out of the room and then he shut the door. Somehow I ended up with the mic back in my hand later on while he was still taping and decided that I needed to sing some Flo-Rida. I didn’t go over the top and do the whole song into the mic…just the first verse and the hook. Is it so wrong that I hope my rapping got on the tape since he was so not tolerant of my laughing? Seriously, what else was he going to do? He upset me and I felt so inadequate.

So when he left I decided that I needed to make sure that he knew that I didn’t mean to ruin that part of the video. You know how sometimes you start laughing and can’t stop? It happens and I think that he should’ve been a little more understanding of it. He walked out the door and I went out right after him to have a one on one conversation regarding the situation, but he was gone. I was kinda upset that he probably ran to the garage because he suspected that I wanted to make good. I don’t think he really cared. At least I know I tried.

I did learn one lesson last night. Four sips of wine is NOT good for me. I feel like crap today and I really, truly did not have but maybe one full glass of wine. I think it’s kind of a testament to how well behaved I’ve been lately. So to the person who  said that they had seen me out and that there was no way I could go a weekend without drinking. I did it just to spite you. And now I’m paying the price for not drinking out of spite. So I guess in some sick, twisted way, you win.

I’m wearing my McLovin shirt today just like JC and Sunny J were supposed to but didn’t because they don’t have any team spirit like I do. Boo them. That’s all I have to say about all of that.

Wanna see what’s in the giant black bag I carry into work everyday? I could write about it, but instead I did a little video. Here goes nothing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vY3Kxg4NJmM

Texting has sort of ruined my life. I realized last night that I am now dependant on texting to say the stuff that I don’t want to say or might be embarrassed to say to someone’s face. Yesterday I sent a text to my friend who I am kinda mad at and, while I got my piece out of my system, it was the wuss way out. I’ve said some incredibly heartfelt things to certain people that I’m sure were completely diminished because all sincerity is lost in text. So from now on if I say something in a text that I need that person to hear me say in person I will make sure to write it down and tell them next time.

So tonight Kinsey is having some girly party that she invited me to and I’m nervous about it. Some might say that I am socially awkward when I don’t know people. Get me around a group of friends and I am the ambassador of fun. But strangers? Especially girly pretty ones who would probably choose to be my friends because we have so little in common? Maybe one or three of them will like four wheeling through the field and going camping and brushing their teeth with lake water. Maybe. I know Kinsey loved riding my four wheeler. It doesn’t even bother me that they will all be pretty because I love being around pretty people. And yes I am aware that there is one kinda pissy person who reads my blog who says that their prettiness makes up for my lack of. Point taken. Thanks for that. I wasn’t saying that the world is full of ugly people EXCEPT for me. I don’t hate ugly people. Heaven forbid I find pleasure in being around pretty people who I have stuff in common with.

Anyway, I was planning on going to work out tonight and then swing by Kinsey’s party while I was a sweaty mess because at least that way they’d know I wasn’t trying to impress anyone and couldn’t judge me for failure. I say all of this but to be completely honest, Kinsey is one of the sweetest, most beautiful people I have met in my life. And I doubt that J-Si would have mean people in his house, so I shouldn’t worry too much. I may still go and work out so that I am a smelly, sweaty mess, but I won’t worry about rejection as much. If I do face rejection I will come back tomorrow and say “I told you so.”

That’s really all I have for now. Keith has been sick and a whiny man for the past couple of days. I can’t say anything because I have a tendency to cry and stuff when I get sick. I just hate that he’s such a boy sometimes. He has this cough that sounds horrible. So he coughs, goes to the patio to smoke some more, then comes in and sticks his dirty boy hand in the ice to pour a Big Red. Then he leaves the big Red on the coffee table daring my cat to knock it over so we have matching Big Red stains on both sides of the table. So he dirties up the ice with his sweaty, cigarette holding, cough germ covered hands and then just leaves the drink that inspired that contamination in the first place sitting there. One time I pitched such a fit about the germs that he actually dumped out the ice tray so I’d shut up. Maybe I’m a germ nazi. I dunno. But I do feel better now that I’ve gotten those thoughts out of my head and onto my blog.  

I think I live Uncle Daddy. He may be the guy in Kellie’s life right now and I may not be attracted to him at all, but I still love him. He’s nice and handsome and good with Emma Kelly…he’s everything a woman could want in a man. (I guess).

I went over to Kellie’s house last night to write a parody song, find Jonas Brothers finalists, and eat dinner with Kellie and Uncle Daddy. I didn’t know whether or not to call him Uncle Daddy or Uncle or by his real name if Uncle Daddy isn’t it…

What if he didn’t like me? What if Kellie agreed with all the negative qualities I possess and decided that she didn’t like me either? Meeting Big Uncle Daddy was a scary, scary thing for me. I wanted to call him Big Daddy instead of Uncle Daddy. I hope he’s ok with the fact that I can’t remember his name half the time. In the end I think I made an OK impression because he texted me and said that he wanted to hang out with me again sometime. I felt pretty good about things after this text and thought that I could sleep knowing that I’d made a decent impression.

That was until the texts started. I didn’t mean to be ruse when I replied to a contest participant who saved my cell number and kept texting me to hang out, but I might have been. When it was a random nonsensical first text, I replied “ Hi. I don’t mean to be rude, but you have my number for the sake of a contest. Not random texts. Since I have to wake up in 5 hours, please stop texting me. But sleep well and thanks for listening to the show.”

That’s not rude, is it? I’m gonna go with no because the texts kept coming until after midnight. It’s just inconsiderate and a pain. I know that I am the Ambassador of Fun and that people want to hang out and stuff, but something’s gotta give. I can’t turn my phone off because I had already gone to bed late and there was a chance of my oversleeping. And I’m too stupid to know how to turn off everything but the ringer, so I had to deal with it. I’m not happy about all this mess. I’m tired and I’m grumpy and I just want to be left alone unless you know I want to hear from you. I can name the people I desire to talk to on my hands and toes…maybe add a few pieces of hair in there, too.

Anyway, I won’t gripe about that anymore. Things are good and even though I’m tired I don’t have to be all negative and whiny. So I should stop now. So I will. May today lead to a night of fantastic, uninterrupted  sleep. Yay that!

So last night I’m driving down the freeway and I look over and see a truck with one of those decorative back window stickers with a picture of a giant Doberman pincher with the letters R.I.P. in a semi circle around his head. Really? I’m all about the tribute to someone or something you love passing away, but this seems a little much to me.  Having the ashes of your loved one in a bucket over the fireplace at home is one thing. But driving down the street and seeing your dead dog every time you look in your rearview mirror is another.  I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but it does.

You wanna know something else that bothers me? Hooters girls. I love the food there, don’t get me wrong. But as someone with a totally distorted body image, I have a hard time understanding why some people think it’s a good idea to parade around in their short shorts and tank tops. I don’t know that those outfits do anyone justice, but surely these women know that certain parts of the outfit are completely unbecoming of their bodies. And is it ok to be the pregnant Hooters girl? I realize it’s an honest way to make a living, but really? I know I’m judgmental, but you know you’ve thought the same thing before but didn’t have the nerve to say it out loud. I’m kind of saying it out loud but not really. At least I’m letting the 10 people who read my blog know what I think about this.

I’m going to start off this week on a happy note. It was a pretty great weekend. I didn’t do much but sleep on Friday, but sometimes you need days like that. I didn’t go out that night. In fact, I fell asleep on the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings for a second or three that night. Saturday was the softball tournament. We got our butts kicked, but it was still fun. We went and played football that afternoon and I got hurt. My neck is hurting so bad today and I got a migraine on Saturday night that was so bad, I woke up at 6AM and a porch light made me sick. I got hit once playing football then my feet came out from under me another time and I hit the ground hard enough to make my head bounce. I’m still feeling it today, but I guess at least I had fun getting hurt.

Sunday was interesting for me. Not really. I woke up groggy from the headache meds and didn’t come out of that until 4ish. Then I went to my mom’s house and got sleepy all over again. She made dinner for my grandpa and me, which was nice. I have tried to show her the way to use this new home gym she bought. My friend is a personal trainer and was going to do it for her but she’s now going through some personal stuff and couldn’t make softball or anything else this weekend. So my mom gets the small amount of knowledge that I have about working out. I feel bad that I don’t have more to give, but it is what it is, I guess.

Relationship stuff is great for me right now. Someone I used to date and I got back together over the weekend because I guess that’s just how it’s supposed to be. I was not going to be happy or get closure until I knew with 100% of my heart that I had given my all to this person. I didn’t feel this way before and I’m going to make it my goal to get there. I know how I feel. I just don’t do a very good job of showing the positive things. Instead I’ve perfected the art of getting all the bad stuff out there. No relationship can survive that, so I’m working on changing it. Wish me luck.

Today is a great day. I’m awake. I’m happy. I’m ready to go. I’ve not felt like this in a while, so I’m excited. Maybe it’s the hydroxycut. Maybe it’s because of the people in my life being those who I want in it…not anyone I feel obligated to be involved with. I feel love and I feel loved. It’as a pretty great feeling. All the drama is pushed aside and I’m ok with it being about me and my sense of happiness. And I have people around me who I sincerely want to see happy which kind of gives me a cause. I love that feeling and I am surrounded by it right now. I can;t ask for much better.

Last night some friends of mine and I went to the Barry Manilow concert for a little bit. It ended up being more of a work function for me, but it made me feel content to know that my friends were happy to be there and that I was able to make it happen for them. it was Monica’s 29th birthday and I was able to get a pair of 2nd row seats for her. It was AMAZING. I was 8th row at Jimmy Buffet one time, but I didn’t want to be there and I ended up sitting on the lawn most of the time. I was dating a guy who loved Jimmy and since I was inadequate in other areas of our relationship I figured that getting him tickets for the hsow was the least I could do. But he wanted to party on the lawn and his ex wife ended up punching me when she saw me, but it was cool to know that sitting so close was an option. Monica made my day when she texted me mid afternoon telling me that I am a good friend and that she was so excited. That made me excited to go because I wasn’t before since I’m not really a “Fanilow.” Chelsea, Carrie, Ally, and the rest had a fantastic time, too. I was so happy to hear their appreciation. Even though the tickets were free (thanks Haven at Texas Tickets giving them to me as a Valentines Day gift), I felt like I had done something that meant a lot to other people. Even though all I did was ask for a favor, I still felt good.

This is such a busy week for me. Tonight I’m going back to Velocity for another hard workout. I was going to go on Monday, but I went shopping for new softball stuff instead. My friend Squirt invited me to play in a tournament on her GOOD team this weekend and I had to buy black shorts and a shirt. Then last night was Barry and tonight is my workout then off to moms house to help her learn to use her new home gym. Tomorrow we have a flag football double header and Friday is another workout I hope and then going out. I dunno though. Saturday is the tournament then Monica is having her weekend birthday party. But since I don’t have tournament times yet, I don’t know if I will make the early part.

Sorry it’s short today. It’s insanely busy here and I can’t focus on one thing long enough to write more.

I appreciate the sentiment in someone telling me to smile, but I think that hearing it makes me madder and makes me want to smile even less. I get it. I don’t smile unless I feel like it and there are some days when I don’t feel like it very much. Is there something wrong with that? I don’t walk around cussing people out (at least not out loud). But as long as I make the conscious effort to keep the cussing to myself, they never know about it. So it works. That’s the beauty of being able to think.

I’m so into this whole self improvement thing right now. I started reading that book I wanted to read per Kellie’s suggestion. It’s called “The Mastery of Love.” I don’t know that I’m going to ever truly master love, but I’d at least like to be able to find and keep it. I can get someone interested with no problem at all (for the most part).  Keeping them in a whole different story. I get bored SO incredibly easily. If they made a relationship Ritalin, I would ask for the prescription. They don’t, though, so I’m trying to figure this stuff out by reading books and junk like that.

I started taking Hydroxycut over the weekend and I’m pretty excited about it. I don’t know if the stuff is going to work, but I feel good knowing that I’m trying. I got a bottle of it for Kellie, too, but she hasn’t started taking it yet. But I’m looking forward to another bonding thing with Kellie. J-Si is taking it, too, and he says he sees results. I can’t wait to wake up one day and have abs out of nowhere just because I took this miracle pill. And they have the ab machine that I user at the gym on sale at the sporting goods store, so I may even go and get that. I am so completely focused on feeling hot this summer. It’s not enough to hear it from other people that I look decent. Not even hot…just decent. I need to feel it because I didn’t last summer and I never want to feel that way again. Ugh. Gross. I fear being that person that people look at and ask what I was thinking wearing a two piece swim suit. I would rather swim and ski in jeans and a t-shirt than be that person.

I know it’s shallow and a lot of people are going to be pissed off that I would think that…much less type it, but it’s what I think. If you are comfortable enough in your own skin to parade around in whatever shape you’re in, then so be it. I’m not a big enough person (big meaning mature) to have that attitude, but sometimes I wish I did. Sometimes I envy those who completely lack the self awareness to know that something they do is a bad idea. I’ll admit that I’ve got that in some areas of my life, but body image will never be a part of that list.

I realize that I’m being the typical chic saying all this. It’s nothing jaw dropping or life changing, but it’s what’s on my mind. I’m not obsessed, but it’s forefront enough that I’m doing something about it. Maybe I really will have an ab by June this year. I wanted one last year, but I failed. So now it’s time to try again.

Thanks for all of the comments you guys left yesterday about my situation. I try to be as discreet as I can with the gender of those I’m dating which kind of makes it hard to say outright that the person I was talking about was my girlfriend. We were exclusive. The conversation had been said twice. So there was no question. I was trying to be empathetic to those who may not agree with my lifestyle or maybe any kids who read it and won’t understand. I’m not ashamed of who I am or embarrassed or anything like that, but I know that a lot of people have less than favorable things to say about who I date. So it makes my life a lot easier to avoid being called perverted or a sinner and whatever else people choose to throw at me and just be generic.

Long story short…I decided that a break up was best for me. I felt horrible saying the words. I feel immature to some degree for not being able to let go and get over it. It killed me to sit there and see her cry and hug her while she cried more while walking out my door. But I don’t feel good about having to have that kind of conversation less than a month in. We would’ve been together for a month on the 18^th, but that’s a wash.

I had to admit to her that the majority of my reasoning for the break up was mostly my ego. It kills me to know that my friends stood there and saw someone I thought wanted to be only with me kiss and mug down with someone else. I kind of think that the true self comes out when you drink, which proves that I am truly a jerk at heart. Like I said yesterday I have been there and done dumb things when I was drunk. But I did things when I was single or casually dating someone that I saw no future with. So that makes me think that that must be her feelings and thoughts towards me. I had my mind made up on this before she and I ever talked yesterday, which might not be fair. But that’s how it is. I felt betrayed and angry and foolish and I don’t understand how someone who says they care about me could do something to possibly lead to my feeling this way. That doesn’t set well and I don’t know where we would’ve gone from there and I really don’t want to waste my time on a lost cause.

It sucks so bad to say all of this because this girl is a good one most of the time. But we are hugely social and drinking happens and I cannot be with someone who I question 90% of our weekend. Does this make sense to anyone?

I’m sad because I hate hurting people. Believe it or not I am very sensitive to other people’s feelings. And my decision hurt her and I cannot apologize enough. But I deserve to be treated fantastically and this action was not was not fantastic. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s ok to do what I need to do to feel good about my life and be happy. I’m never going to be OK with hurting someone else for my own sake, but I feel like this was necessary for me .

With that being said, this is the first Valentine’s Day I will spend alone since I’ve been old enough to date. I’m kind of bitter because I’m not good at being single, but clearly I’m not good at relationships either. Otherwise I’d be in one. But I’m not. So I failed somewhere. Maybe I should take it in for a little while and figure out where I keep going wrong. Clearly there is something wrong with me to lead her to let her discretions down and kiss someone else. So what is it? I asked another person I dated what my biggest flaw as a significant other was and was told that when we started to get close, I would say forget it and she would back off again. But I think I freaked out over her not letting me in and didn’t believe it when it finally started to happen. I was truly crazy about this person and wish that it hadn’t happened that way, but it did. So now I can just learn from the mistake and hold on next time and take it as it comes.

So, here I am again. Single and expecting to go thru my crazy get over it period. Or maybe I won’t. I dunno. But that’s the update on things. Thanks again for all of the advice and support. And, for those of you who are in love and have something to celebrate…congratulations and HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

I so thought today was going to be a good day when I walked into the studio with a box of free t-shirts on my chair, but then things went horribly wrong. First there was an engineering problem. No biggie. I don’t know how to fix it, so there’s not much I can do. But then the printer wouldn’t work; totally a problem I can fix. I thought. The thing said “remove empty cartridge” so I tried to take it out and shake it so that the thing might register some ink. When I did this, black powder poured out and went everywhere. All over me, the printer, the carpet…everywhere. It was horrible. So,  there I am. Scrubbing the outside of the printer because it was everywhere. Scrubbing the inside because it was covered. Changing my clothes because they are covered. Holding back tears because I am a mess right now and black toner all over the place didn’t make it any better.

Why am I a mess? One thing is because I had that big plan to announce the softball game I went to yesterday in a British accent, but it didn’t happen. I did pretty good at first. I read the script. But then it came time to announce each batter as she stepped up to the plate. I don’t know why, but when one of the girls stepped up to the plate, I started laughing. I don’t know why. Nothing funny happened. She had a normal name, I think. I just got slap happy tired and tickled and laughed. It wasn’t like I was rolling on the ground laughing or like I started laughing and did it for 10 minutes…it was a quick ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Maybe that many chuckles. Not over the top. So I pretty much shut down after that and had no real desire to do the British accent. So that was ruined.

Then there’s the huge disaster of what happened over the weekend that I don’t know what to do about. I feel like an idiot because I don’t know what to think about something that happened. How much impact can alcohol have on decision making? If someone gets so drunk that they can barely walk, do you excuse them for being all over and making out with someone other than you? I’ve been that drunk girl who did stupid stuff many a times, so that makes it harder for me to decide. The difference is that I was single when I did the dumb things. To make it even worse, do you forgive the person when you’re less than a month into dating? When it’s supposed to be new and exciting and all you want to do is put them in your pocket? What happens when you get used to eachother and it’s ok to be apart…then what’s going to happen? I don’t know. I feel stupid because this happened when I was 20 feet away and my friends SAW it. Yet I had no idea until Monday night. I appreciate their being sensitive to not upsetting me, but I’m that person who had this thing happen and I was completely oblivious. That feels bad and I don’t think that it’s ok to feel bad less than a month in. Maybe I’m just letting mad get the best of me. I don’t know.

Maybe I need to read the new books I bought over the weekend. The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love. I’ve wanted to read the Four Agreements since Kidd gave it to me the Christmas of 2006, but never did. I lost it since then. Or my dog ate it. But I bought it again and started reading it. I’ll let you know how that goes.

You know what songs remind me of what I want in my love life? Let me make a list. I don’t know why, but maybe if you wanna make a mixed tape for the one you love and can use some of these.

Jordin Sparks- (duh)- No Air. She also has one called “Just For the Record” that I love and one called “Next To You”

Chris Brown- With You

Blue October- Calling You

Lifehouse- First Time and Whatever It Takes

Faith Hill- Just to Hear You Say That You Love Me and Breathe

Peter Gabriel or Jeffrey Gaines- In Your Eyes

Anything Celine Dion- especially The Power of Love and At Last

Jessica Simpson- I Wanna Love You Forever, Sweetest Sin, With You, I Think I’m In Love With You

Mario- Let Me Love You

Toni Braxton- You Mean The World To Me

Alicia Keys- No One

Anyhting Colby Caillat- especially Realize

J. Holiday- Bed

Baby Bash-  (I Think)- Hypnotize

Beyonce- Dangerously In Love

That’s all I can think of for now. I’m not really in a loving mood, so I’m sure this doesn’t help. Feel free to send me any advice or song suggestions.