Shanon’s Blog

I’m pretty sure that I say “Wow what a weekend” every Monday, but WOW! What a weekend. It was non stop but a lot of fun, for the most part. There were three birthday parties on Friday night. I only made it to one of them and I was a deadbeat there. I left early and went home to sleep because being in Austin wore me out. I was so exhausted and emotional and a mess, so I called it an early night.

Saturday was a rough day and my mood showed it. We told you guys last week about the passing of Krista Brewer, but the news didn’t hit me that hard until Friday night. I don’t know why being tired makes a person so much more emotional than they would’ve been otherwise. Poor Michelle. There was no consoling me. I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t want to do anything but crawl up in a ball and cry. Krista is one of those kids who sticks with you forever once you meet her. She’s sweet as can be. In fact, one time when she was in the hospital getting treatment, she made little animals from beads. She gave me a blue horse that I put on the top of my bathroom mirror, so every time I go in my bathroom I think of Krista. That  sounds kind of gross, but just to put it into perspective. How much time does the average chic spend in the bathroom? Quite a bit. So that little girl is on my mind a lot. I didn’t really realize the significance of the little blue horse until Friday morning when we played the tribute to Krista on the show. It was like BAM. Standing there on a stage in Austin with a handful of people watching as I cry the biggest tears I’ve cried in a while. There’s no hiding tears this big, even if you turn your back to the crowd. They’re the ones that saturate your shirt because they’re coming down so big and so fast…you can’t catch them all with kleenex. It was bad and I would have hated to have been there with me.

I think it was so hard hitting for me because so many people I know are pregnant right now…including my little sister. And it’s so random that I was supposed to be at the doctor’s office with her getting her first 3D sonogram at the same time I was at Krista’s funeral. So it went from one extreme to the next. From anticipating seeing my baby nephew full on for the first time…celebrating life… to crying my eyes out mourning the loss of one. I felt so incredibly guilty thinking about the fact that Krista might be better off now that she has passed on. But that little girl touched so many people and lived every second of her life to the fullest. I’m confused by not knowing what to think about this.

I did find myself literally begging God to have mercy on my sister and bless her with a healthy baby during the service. How horrible am I for thinking that way? Here I am supposed to be mourning the loss of Krista’s life and I’m thinking about my little sister and her being pregnant. I saw Janice, Justin, and Shelby walk into the church and about lost it all over again. How do they feel right now? Are they relieved that they don’t have to watch their baby suffer anymore? Are the torn up with pain because they are gonna miss their baby so much? Do they feel guilty for being sad even though she is no longer in pain? How should they feel? Is there a right and wrong answer to these questions? I don’t know. I do know that a lot of people loved that little girl and that her memory will stick with me for a long time.

This may also sound really bad, but going to that funeral did get me excited about this year’s trip and the fact that I’m about to get another chance to meet a plane full of amazing kids who will leave more impressions on me. I met one of the kiddos last week and he was great. Zion was so full of energy and happy.  His parents were GREAT and I can’t wait to get to know the family a little bit better. And I will meet a few more of the kids this week, so I will let you know how that goes.